Our lives changed dramatically one year ago today. I had always heard people say that if you haven't faced major trials in life, be ready for them to come. I just sort of hoped that the statement wouldn't apply to me. I hadn't had any really "bad" seasons of life, and I hoped that life would just keep going along the way it had been. That Tuesday night was when my dad called to say that my mom had cancer.
That night there was a major rain and thunderstorm in Waco. It was the kind that keeps you awake listening and on edge. I was awake already crying and thinking about my mom. The fact that the weather was so lousy was comforting to me. I knew that we were about to face a major storm in our lives, and it seemed that God was showing me that He would be with us through the sadness- like when Jesus wept with Mary and Martha.
When I talked to Dad, I jotted down the name of the type of cancer and started researching it online (eeek- I know what you are thinking- one should never do that!). I began to see the seriousness of the situation as I read about the horrible statistics related to this type of cancer. Ten days later mom found out that the cancer was in her lungs, and she choose that she would not go through any treatment. The choice was clear for her: she could try experimental treatments with no guarantee of any real success and have to stay away from her young grandchildren, or she could live her last days enjoying the time with family.
She quickly chose family. She also chose to live for Christ in her remaining days. She accepted her sickness and last days with such grace and faith. She was extremely excited about spending time with the Lord in Bible study and would often tell us all about it. She spent a lot of time studying Isaiah and Revelations.
Meanwhile, I had just found out I was pregnant, and I was starting to have a lot of sickness. I struggled with feeling very numb emotionally. Mom wanted to talk about all of our memories, and I tried to be sentimental with her but had a hard time with it. I think that it was just my way of dealing with the shock of it all. Through the next three months we made some great memories together in sunny Albuquerque. Mom and Caleb danced in the rain. We visited the Albuquerque zoo and went for a ride on the train together. We ate out and spent lots of mornings and afternoons on the back porch while the kids played on Dad's old slide. Mom, Beaufort, Caleb, Abby, and I went for a walk in the Sandia mountains together at dusk. Even though I couldn't express much emotion during these days and I felt terribly sick most of the time, I cherish these last moments with my mom. I know that they were a gift from God.
After several trips back and forth between Waco and Albuquerque, I returned to Texas to host Jon's family for Thanksgiving. We had a great time together with 5 of the Capron grand kids all interacting and playing at our house. My mom lovingly gave up her own time with me because she wanted me to be able to have that time with Jon's family. I called her each day while I was home and had some good conversations with her. Those were really the last real conversations that we had. I could tell that my mom's pain was increasing dramatically each time I talked with her.
On the Saturday after Thanksgiving Mike called to say that we needed to come back to Albuquerque quickly. That night and next day we got our stuff together and drove the 12 hours to Mom and Dad's house expecting mom's death to be coming soon. When we arrived Mom was mostly bedridden, but her body was still strong. That began the most challenging month of my life. My dad and I became mom's primary caregivers. We administered medicine, bathed her, helped her to the bathroom, and tried to keep her comfortable and safe. She kept trying to get up time and time again. It was really really tough being the caregiver to my own mom. She had spent the previous 3 months accepting her upcoming death with a strange easiness, and now she was ready to go home to be with the Lord. However, God still had a purpose for her on earth for a month longer. Each time that she woke up and was still alive here on Earth, she would get more and more angry and confused.
We learned so much during that month. We learned to lean on God through absolute and complete physical and mental exhaustion. We learned to lean on each other through it too. Mike, Tiffany, Katie, Jason, Dad, Jon, and I got to spend lots of time together. We would sit in the living room talking and listening. My mom had a bed alarm that would go off if she tried to get up because we didn't want her to fall down and hurt herself. We went up and down the stairs countless times when the alarm would ring to help Mom get back into bed. God really knit our family together through this struggle, and my kids got to spend more time with their aunts, uncles, cousins, and granddad than would normally be possible.
It had been an unseasonably warm fall and early winter in Albuquerque. Mom always liked the warm weather and sunshine. It seemed that God was sending us all of the warm weather and sunshine in honor of my mom. When mom died two days after Christmas, the cold weather finally arrived in Albuquerque. It snowed like crazy as we made preparations for mom's funeral, and Albuquerque experienced a record setting low temperature of the day of her funeral. The bitter cold weather was comforting to me just as the rain in Waco had been comforting to me less than 4 months earlier. At the time Mom left this earth to go home to heaven the unusual warmth of fall left Albuquerque. On the day Mom died, we all were relieved and rejoiced that she was with her Savior in heaven. It was then that we could come out this month long fog, and begin to really mourn our loss.
Mom's funeral was on December 31st, the last day of 2010- such a fitting date. On the first day of 2011, Jon and I packed up our van and began our journey back to Waco. Our new reality began on that New Year's Day.
Now I can say I have faced a season of trial and sadness. I didn't have a choice to keep my mom here with us, but I do have a choice to trust God. I choose to declare that He is sovereign and comforting and wants what is best for us. He loves us and only has our best interest in mind. Now I have experienced God's comfort and love in a very real way. God made me and knows me. He made my mom and knows her. Now she fully knows Him. This past year has become a part of who I am. I am one of the Lord's beloved. I am a daughter of the King. To every thing there is a season.
